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A Deep, Deep Aching

I was told my father read the eulogy (see below) I wrote for my grandfather (his dad) at the funeral. Some of you may know that I haven't seen (nor communicated much with) my biological father for nearly 13 years. The last time I saw him I was 16. He wasn't around for my driving test, senior prom or high school graduation for that matter. He never visited me at university, he never met Christy (my girlfriend of five years, now my wife), he never showed up at our wedding or sent a card. He wasn't around for the graduation ceremony at Taylor University or our time with family before moving to Ireland. Don't get me wrong, I didn't really expect him to all of a sudden jump back into my life after a long hiatus, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wanted him to - or secretly wished he would. He has missed a huge portion of my life. And by the time I'm 32 I'll only have known him for half of my life. The thing that really gets on my nerves - that truly ticks me off - is that he never intended to get involved in his first grandchilds' life! Neve has never met him - nor knows he exists - and there is a small part of me that doesn't want her to know him. He's a great man. He has some very likeable qualities, but he really isn't the type of grandfather I would want my children to spend too much time with. I guess I say that because he left me - his first-born - alone, and has chosen to remove himself from my life. How could he prove to be a good grandfather if he isn't even being a dad to me? And now we have our second child on the way and he has no clue - unless he's heard it from elsewhere - that he'll be a grandpa again. I haven't bothered telling him. I have given up trying to win his attention and affection. I'm not sure what factors have cause him to make the decision he has regarding our relationship. Whatever it is, it doesn't negate the responsibilities he took upon himself when he co-created me! I am a husband now. I am a father now. Whatever I feel I lacked growing up in the way of a father figure - it has made me even more sensitive and resolute to provide for my children. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad. I have some great memories of the two of us together. He is still my father even though he hasn't acted like it. But he has left me very little that I desire to emulate with my kids. I pray for him occasionally. I miss him. I get angry. I hurt over it - especially for Neve and our soon-to-be-born - but I am letting go. It's been happening for a while now and I figure it will continue for some time. I am letting go and allowing him, in some ways, to slip into my memories. In my world, in my life, that's the only place he exists anymore. Someday I will have to explain how all of this came about to our kids. I will have to try to convey to them how families can sometimes become very messed up. I will have to attempt to convey to them that the choice their biological grandfather's made to be estranged from his family, in NO way dictates what kind of love their father will give to them. I am a recipient of grace. All of us can be recipients of God's unconditional love and grace. I am so grateful that God woke me out of my slumber and offered me true freedom. I realise that it's His grace and love that has allowed me to break statistics and scientific studies of how I 'should' turn out. It's God's love that is writing the new me - the me I can and will become. I'm choosing to believe the Father that hasn't left me and shows me His limitless love moment by moment. I'm choosing to believe what He says about me. Believing I just might become who he says I am and will be. Believing I can be the husband and father I so needed my dad to be for my mother and for me. I will choose to continue to receive this reality-altering, destiny-changing , soul-satisfying love . . . and I will become different because of it. If you pray, please pray for my dad . . and for me.

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